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The Guardian - As bad as the BNP?

• July 28th, 2009

Well I’ve just read one of the worst pieces of review ‘journalism’ I have ever encountered.

The Guardian has a delightful little rant entitled “The new offenders of stand up comedy” by Brian Logan, a man so desperate to appear up to date with comedy trends that is forced to completely invent these theoretical trends out of thin air. His stance is that there is some kind of backlash against the Politically Correct comedy of the late eighties and nineties which now allows comedians to be every bit as racist and offensive as the comedians of the seventies, and the audience (thats mister and missus racist thickie on the street i.e. you and me) are simply loving this new racism which he implies we are lapping up under cover of their ironic presentation.

The only slight problem with this piece is that Brian Logan is a fucking idiot. One of the comedians he chooses to misrepresent is Richard Herring, a “veteran comic” who was one half of Lee and Herring aka Fist of Fun in the early nineties. Richard Herring is currently preparing for a stand up tour entitled Hitler’s Moustache in which he sports a genuine example of the titular facial hair in order to investigate how such symbols are perceived and to analyse entrenched beliefs and whether such symbols can be reclaimed. But Brian Logan (clearly an irony black hole) chooses to quote from Herring’s entire show only the phrase “that racists have a point”.

Okay Brian lets play that game. Which comedians do you hold up as genuinely positive “offensive comedians?” He cites, amongst others, Bill Hicks, Ben Elton and Billy Connolly, describing them as ” against establishment opinion” coming from “what might broadly be described as left-libertarian perspective” railing against “religious orthodoxy, obscenity laws, militarism and racial inequality”. As a good Guardianista Brian logan must have just come while writing that.

But wait.. hang on… Bill Hicks? He was pro war. Didn’t he say of the first Iraq conflict “I’m Pro the war but anti- the troops. Not the most popular opinion I’ve ever had.” Bill Hicks was antifamily and kids. “Having a child is no different to eating food and a turd coming out of your anus.” Need more proof he was anti children? He tells a horrific story of wanting a child to be sucked out of an aircraft door. When discussing a story about a kid who killed himself jumping off a building while high on drugs he concludes “Good! One less gas station attendant in the world. I’m guessing we didn’t lose a cure for cancer there.” He is anti children, patronising to the poor and disadvantaged and encouraging drug fuelled suicide. Ben Elton? Anti the disabled. Don’t remember that? He creates a whole routine over a severe condition Margaret Thatcher had in which the tendons were drawing her fingers into a claw. Is it funny to laugh at the disfigurements of someone who was nearly a pensioner at the time? Famously he even thinks the whole of World War One was a badly run waste of time. Ben Elton clearly thinks we should have let the precursors to the rise of the Nazis continue unopposed. Is he secretly a fascist?

Brian Logan clearly thinks Jo Brand is a fine example of a healthy, non-ironic PC attitde , yet ignores all her routines reducing women to cake loving man-lusting alcoholics. Her quotes appear to be implying Jimmy Carr is doing nothing more than delivering all the women hating jokes everyone has been missing all these years. She is quoted as saying (she is impling this is theo pinion of the audience out there - that’s mister and missus sexist thickie on the street i.e. you and me) “Where have all those delicious anti-women jokes gone? We miss them.” is that really what you think Jo? Really? That’s actually genuinely what you were trying to say when Brian Logan interviewed you? That’s your genuine opinion about all of Jimmy Carr’s persona and routines?

And as for Billy Connolly, well he clearly wished a hostage victim to be murdered. No doubt he laughed heartily when Kenneth Bigley was beheaded. That was obviously and without any question exactly what he wanted, and wanted the audience to also think.

But wait, hang on, could it be possible that… none of these comedians actually literally felt that what they were saying should be taken at face value? Could it be possible that they were taking extreme positions in order to analyse our feelings towards such issues?

In their podcast when Richard Herring and Andrew Collins (no doubt according to Logan another ’suposedly’ left wing writer) discuss the likelihood that Madeleine McCann is dead, are they really wishing for the young girl’s death or enjoying her abduction for comedic value? Or could they possibly be… reflecting reality and the genuine thoughts that millions of intelligent adult have, but that the media is unable by convention to discuss. When every paper prints ‘updated’ pictures of Maddie  ‘as she looks now’, where is a single article saying “Of course she doesn’t look like that now! It’s utterly stupid and cruel to the parents to pretend that she might, and even if she did the one way guaranteed to ensure she doesn’t any longer is to print those photos!”

Are they mocking her or the insane, mawkish reaction of the media?

Podcasting has filled a required role in the media - a forum of expression of opinion by professionals (and amateurs) that would never be allowed in any other company controlled media outlet. You are no more allowed to break laws on a podcast than you are elsewhere, but you are allowed to voice  opinions that would be unheard of in a newspaper, but many people you know in real life actually hold. This is why more and more performers and broadcasters have a podcast outlet in addition to their more mainstream output, as a release valve for what they want to express without editorial control or censorship.

Brian Logan has the utter fucking unironic cheek to even bring up the Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand phone call to Andrew Sachs, a huge issue, let’s not forget, simply because a) the victim was famous b) the media actively created the furore themselves. Beadle was humilating people for years, even recent shows like Trigger Happy TV continue to mock innocent people in various degrees of unpleasantness. It’s pathetic comedy when done by anyone, but why does Brian Logan continue that single incident to be so noteworthy? Just because the media decided it should be? So this bold journalistic investigator of cutting edge trends… reports solely according to what his own media decides is important.

Some comedians do walk a very fine line between irony and celebration of unpleasant viewpoints. Al Murray, for example, appears to be slightly losing sight of where that line is and it would be entirely possible to watch an entire show of his and believe that he really was expressing far right viewpoints without irony. But almost every other comedian Brian Logan mentions is clearly expressing their viewpoints with an eye to mockery. Richard Herring in particular it would simply not be possible to sit through an entire show or podcast and come away genuinely believing his stand up to be racist. You just couldn’t’ genuinely do it.

The whole point of his Hitler Moustache show is to look at entrenched beliefs and to ask if such shocking symbols as the Hitler Moustache can be reclaimed and actually used against the concepts they are connected with. He asks if perhaps people can start sporting such a moustache as a protest against the worrying trend of the BNP rise. It’s a little hard to see how Brian Logan missed that as Herring discusses it in most podcasts and on his webste at length.

Now maybe we could ujst put this down to extremely poor research and breathtakingly low journalistic competence by Brian Logan… or could it be that he is simply reflecting what his editors want? Just as the BNP sees immigrants taking our jobs, and Polish crime everywhere they look, does the Guardian simply want to see racism everywhere it looks? Is it as guilty of pandering to its own entrenched beliefs as the far right groups it criticises?

In psychology this is known as confirmation bias - the tendency to interpret results or information according to personally held preconceptions and beliefs. The arrogance of this article is staggering, and how patronising it is to a mythical audience of racist, sexist homophobes (that’s what Brian Logan, and maybe by inference the Guardian thinks about you and me).

But ironically, has the Guardian article actually made Richard Herring’s point as clearly as any negative reaction from the BNP could have? Could his tour be becoming more culturally significant than he could have imagined as an equal analysis of the destructive preconceptions held by both the far right and the far left? Or any ideologically extreme position that becomes blinded by the arrogance of its own beliefs?

When you deliberately demonise the innocent by attributing false actions/opinions to them does it matter where you stand politically?

On the plus side for Richard Herring, as the old saying goes… If your pissing everybody off, maybe you’re doing something right.


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Just a quick one for your perusal …

• July 1st, 2009

Check out this link, on the BBC Suffolk website …

Tennisballs.jpg

I have a few questions regarding this gentleman …

A) Was it too much to ask to smile for the picture? … Or at least look mean and scary? … Did you really have to look as if your 8 years old in your head and you have just been told you have been very naughty and are not getting any jelly for pudding?

B) Did the copywriter have his tongue firmly in cheek when he wrote “A man accused of terror charges spoke to a girlfriend about launching an attack with tennis ball bombs, a court hears. ” … I can almost hear him chuckling …

C) This guy had a GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!?!?!

A puzzle indeed …

Agent Chris OUT!


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June 25th … mark the date!

• June 26th, 2009

On June 25th, a world institution, seen all over the world, resepected by a great many, and worshipped by some, passed away suddenly in the night.

Over the last few years, health concerns were visible, but as humanity tends to do, we put it all to the back of our mind, happy to delude ourselves.  We did not want to deal with the reality and mortality we see all around us.  we always looked for signs of the ‘Glory Days’ to return.

Accusations flied, a once glorious institution myered in slander and muck-raking.  We watched as the vampires circled, revelling in the double-dealings and innuendo.  We stared as the money began to run dry, the cracks in the facade grew deeper.  Constantly the image changed, modernised, but with every new face, we could see the slow shifting from the mainstream, to somewhere stranger and more disturbing.

We had glimpses of how it used to be.  for brief shining moments we revelled in the feeling that this bastion would once again return to show us the true talent and genius which stole our hearts the first time.

But … it was not to be.

June 25th is the day.

The day we all at some level dreaded, but knew it was inevitable.

June 25th is the day that … (I can hardly say it) … that … that the BBC stopped being a legitimate international news institution!

Over the last 12 hours, we have watched the BBC descend itself from a Reuters style seeker of truth, to the worst and most vapid level of tabloid journalism.

Some of the ‘highlights’ of the reporting of the death of Michael jackson have been:

The unmoving ‘Michael Jackson is Dead’ headline on the news ticker

The constant playing and replaying of Michael Jackson music videos, behind every interview, every personal piece.

Calling in a biographer of MADONNA to ask her regarding the effect of Michael Jackson in the mainstream (constantly qualified with the initial statement of ‘Well, I knw of course we are not talking about Madonna, but …)

The scrolling news ticker of not news, but ‘tweets’ from various celebrities announcing their shock and sadness.

Interviews at Glastonbury with third rate bands announcing their shock and sadness, and how they are going to tribute MJ in their sets.

Interminable helicopter wide shots around the UCLA Medical centre

An interview with a Michael jackson fan in the studio, 10 minutes of prime rolling news time given over to how he met his hero once

The statement from Jermaine jackson, finishing with a plea for the press to ‘respect the family’s privacy’ … immediately followed by a shot of Michael Jackson’s body being wheeled into the coroner’s office

Lurid shots of the ambulance reversing out of Michael Jackson’s home, unable to reverse due to all the press filming it in it’s way

Uri Gellar … just being Uri Gellar.  blaming the media for pushing Michael to the brink, while reclining on his living room sofa having invited those very cameras into HIS HOME!

Going ‘live via satellite’ to places such as SINGAPORE to guage reaction around the world.

The constant references and comparison to ‘the grief after the death of Diana’

But, the most devastating of all …

The complete ignoring of all other news around the world!

In fact, they read out various e-mails from viewers asking that there at least been some balance in the reporting, but them staring straight down the barrel of the camera, and basically telling the audience that they understand there is other shit going on in the world, but they just didnt care as this story trumped everything else going on in the world right now.

That, in itself, shows just how far the BBC has fallen.  the constant celebrity Interviews (Estelle, Craig David … what???) the constant Diana comparison, hours after hours of MJ music videos, speculation and tittle tattle.  The BBC has lost all credibility, and any sense of proportion.

Oh, by the way, in Iran the Ayatollah has declared the recent election result legitimate.  Not only that, but also has declared the result ‘the healthiest election result in decades’.  Apparently, as has been stated, there was no MAJOR election corruption.  Hold on, no ‘Major’ election corruption … so there was minor corruption but thats okay?

I would say that’s a story.

Not that you’d know watching the BBC …


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Michael Jackson - Let the conspiracies begin

• June 26th, 2009

Well who’d have thought it would have ended like this for Michael Jackson? A cardiac arrest just like a normal person. Nah, that can’t be the truth.

Let the conspiracy theories begin. I can assure you over the next couple of days/months you will read/hear the most inane, insane and moronic theories about the death of the King of Pop.

Let me make some up right now so you can be warned. Here are some theories that will probaby be among the mildest of what is to come:

1) Michael Jackson died years ago. Hence he looks so different and hasn’t written a good song in years.

2) Michael Jackson has faked his own death so he can live in the Philippines. With some boys.

3) Michael Jackson had too much debt and has got his closest aides to kill him for insurance money.

There you go. Three random theories I just made up. Expect to read much crazier shit over the next few days.

And brace yourself for beyond Princess Diana levels of mawkish grief from mental people. And many interviews from Uri Geller. Already I am watching a statement from the Rev Al Shapton eulogising Michael Jackson. He vaguely referred to the singer as maybe having ’shortcomings’. Maybe that would be the multiple child abuse charges or the baby dangling or, hell who knows. Who cares when it looks like a Jade Goody x1000 mythologising is in progress.

The biggest circus in Pop histry is preparing itself for a suitable denoument.

Anyone remember that revolution in Iran… ?


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What is a “Revenue Protection Officer”?

• June 24th, 2009

So there I am, on the train, minding my own business, listening to the Collings and Herrin podcast, when a woman comes stridently into the carriage. She is middle-aged, dressed perfectly casually with a patterned T-Shirt, yet it seems that everyone has started showing her their tickets.

I pause the podcast as she turns to me. The following exchange occurs.

Random Woman: Can I see your ticket?
Me: Er, who are you?

She shows me a badge. I am not joking, this badge looked like a toy. It just said “Revenue Protection Officer”. That’s it.  Nothing else. No logo, nothing. It was in a cheap plastic wallet of the sort you get in toy packs in Poundland where you flip open a bit of floppy black plastic and it has a badge that says FBI in. The text was in what I can only describe as, a girly font and colour. It was pink and purple and I would not have been surprised if had said “Special Agent for Barbie”. My first thought (for some unknown reason) is that this was a Hen Night prank of some sort.

Me: What’s that?
RW: My badge
(I shrug, confused)
Me: I have no idea what that is
RW: I’m a ticket inspector
Me: I don’t believe you

Now this may seem slightly confrontational of me, but I blame A) The fact I was still wearing my headphones and I couldn’t yet hear the sniggering of other passengers B) Richard Herring’s confrontational comedy style that I had just been listening to C) The angry look on her face that conveyed utter incredulity that a member of the public could be confronted with a rubbish badge with no logo and meaningless text by a complete stranger dressed like any other member of the public… and have the downright impudence to actually doubt such ironclad credentials

Her face becomes a mask of rage. She unfolds the cheap plastic wallet again and shows me a First Capital Connect identity card with photo and everything. Good. Fine. Then why the hell didn’t she just show that in the first place? I show her my ticket, and I have a sneaking suspicion she is also going to insist on seeing my Network Railcard as well. I am correct as she immediately barks an order to see it even as my hand is already clearly rummaging in my jacket pocket obviously to provide it. At that point I have little doubt she was praying to several different types of gods for me to not have a valid ticket and/or Network Card. Sadly for her I am bang up to date ticket and card wise.

She strides off and, two seats down, she encounters some girls who do not have tickets. Poor them. They appeared to get the full brunt of the anger she was unable to direct at me. I have now taken my headphones off and notice almost evryone in my section is nodding at me and laughing, some clearly loud enough for Random Woman With Badge to hear. She directs further wrath at the poor girls. Boy did they pick the wrong day to fail to buy tickets (although lets remember they are technically criminals so we should be sparing with the sympathy). The other passengers agreed they had been suspicious about the badge and thought the whole thing was weird. Only one guy was aware that in the Croydon area they did sometimes use Plain Clothes Inspectors (although I have travelled that route twice a day for three years and never encountered one).

I actually tried to hunt down an image of the badge on the internet. I cannot find a single example of it. This makes it even more stupid as there is apparently no way I could verify the appearance of such a badge or know how to identify one, even if I wanted to.

What the hell is a “Revenue Protection Officer” anyway?

I have little doubt the name was intended to make the job sound more exciting than simple “Ticket Inspector” and somehow empower the staff, but this is clearly counter-productive because if the badge had simply said “Ticket Inspector” I wouldn’t have questioned her in the first place as I actually understand what a “Ticket Inspector” is.

I can just imagine the converstaion at Head Office.

“Our Ticket Inspection staff aren’t happy.”
“Well geez Tom, why not?”
“They say we don’t pay them enough and they get abuse from customers and have to work antisocial hours.”
“Sounds bad. I’d hate that job.”
 ”But I don’t think that’s the problem.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I know exactly what we need to do to cheer them up.”
“What?”
 ”We need to… empower them.”
“Wow. Sounds great. What’s that then?”
 ”It’s an American thing. You see, the problem people have with their jobs isn’t all the stuff they actually complain about like poor working conditions, salary, bad management and so on, it’s actually their sense of self-worth.”
“Hmm interesting. So instead of actually paying them more, all we need to actually do is…”
“That’s right. Just make them feel better about themselves in some meaningless, trivial and above all cost-free way.”
 ”Brilliant. But that sounds difficult?”
“Oddly enough it really isn’t. It has been found that a simple job title change will have exactly the same boost to morale as a pay rise.”
“Wow. Who discovered that?”
 ”I dunno. Some consultants somewhere.”
“Cool. So it’s definitely scientifically proven effective?”
 ”Oh definitely. I read it in Marketing Monthly.”
 ”But how does one generate such a powerful self-esteem modifying job title?”
 ”Well what do these staff do?”
 ”They inspect tickets. That’s why we call them Ticket Inspectors. We thought it made sense.”
 ”No, no, no. That just demeans them. it makes it sound like all they do is look at tickets.”
 ”Well that’s what they actually-”
“They need to feel part of the whole. Not just a cog, but a vital machine in the vibrant factory that is First Capital Connect.”
“But they just inspect tic-”
“No, no, no John. You aren’t thinking of the bigger picture. What does every ticket dodger cost us?”
“Er money?”
“Exactly. Ticket Inspectors aren’t there just to look at tickets they are there to save us money.”
“I see, so they aren’t just mindless peons, they are heroic saviours, selflessly tiring away to earn the directors of First Capital Connect more money?”
“Well lets play down where the money they save actually goes. They might think it should go to them in some way which, as we and the consultants agree, is not really what they want.”
 ”Hell no.”
 ”So what about ‘Money Recovery Agents’?”
“No, wait, I think I’ve got a better one. Hear me out Tom.”
“Shoot.”
“‘Revenue’ sounds more business-ey and the little guys love to pretend they understand business at the higher levels.”
 ”They sure do.”
(Both laugh)
“And instead of recovering the revenue it sound more exciting and dangerous if they are… ‘protecting’ it.”
“This is great John, you’re really running with this.”
“Now who traditionally protects things?”
“Bodyguards? The Army? Police off- damn John you goddamn genius!”
“What you got there Tom is a nail/head scenario. Police Officers. So put it all together, what have you got?”
“‘Revenue Protection Officers’. Damn that’s awesome!”
“Hey you lobbed the idea up, I just vollied that softball home.”
“And to confirm, it’ll cost absolutely nothing?”
 ”Well we’ll probably need to give them some badges but, hell, they can make do with some cheap plastic kids ones. What are we, a charity?”


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Podcast 3 - ‘The Marmite Issue’

• June 21st, 2009

Welcome to another wonderfully random podcast from ‘Agents of the Fifth Estate’

A joyous rambing whereby the week’s news is merely a waffle-like vehicle for the golden syrup of some random thoughts.

Chris and Ash discuss the political turmoil in Iran, slicing through the complexities of middle eastern politics and distilling decades of Islamo-Western exchanges by declaring the Ayatollah one of their Dickheads of the Week. Such trifles are interspersed with analysis of what Big Brother contestants understand about religion, whether the MP expenses story is losing steam, how might Nick Griffin be expected to ’salute’, and discussing what exactly are the chances of accidentally having ink injected into the subcutaneous skin layers of your face in a star pattern fifty-six separate times…. while you fall gently asleep. Ash’s love-hate relationship with Twitter continues as does Chris’ hate-hate relationship with reality TV shows. Ash and Chris remain topical as ever discussing Kramer from Seinfeld, both films from 1997 directed by people called Paul Anderson, and Henry VIII.

As a bonus feature, if you ever end up un trouble because you have been caught by your partner watching internet sex videos of women smearing food over themselves… there is an unexpected way out of the problem. Edward de Bono would have been proud of it.

Enjoy!

Agent Chris OUT!

Listen Now:


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Behind the Scenes at the Apprentice …

• June 21st, 2009

Here is some shocking footage from the new Behind the Scenes documentary Behind the Apprentice

Hmmm … [Tetris Sound]


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Dear Ayatollah - You Am A Twat

• June 19th, 2009

It’s always nice to be the best at anything. Squash, stamp collecting, exhibiting the highest degree of “evil”, speed texting…

Britain may not be up there with speed texting but when it comes to “evil”… Yay we’re number one!

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei expresses new nutty opinions.

The article words it thus:

He said the election was a “political earthquake” for Iran’s enemies - singling out Britain as “the most evil of them” - whom he accused of trying to foment unrest in the country.

But I personally suspect the Ayatollah wouldn’t understand the word ‘Foment’ in either his own language or English, even if it were explained to him for 23 straight weeks by the world’s leading linguists. Why? Because he is a twat. I suspect his comment was more along the lines of “Everyone in the world, shutup, shutup, shutup!”

He protested in the following bizarre way:

“There is 11 million votes difference,” the ayatollah said. “How can one rig 11 million votes?”

Er, by FUCKING CHEATING! One vote… 11 million votes… if you control the voting system and result announcements then any degree of lying is perfectly easy. Your mistake? To lie TOO BIG.

And of course it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to count all the vote in the speed claimed, so the cheating is logically inherent.

Anyone on Twitter is welcome to add their opinion by adding the text #AyatollahYouAmATwat to your Twitter post. It may not alter world politics but it helps remind us all that we live in a country that you are still allowed to express dissent without being silenced, and we don’t much like countries that quash such freedoms.

Iran’s supreme leader has issued a stern warning that protests against the country’s disputed presidential election results must end.

Maybe in your country pal, not in ours. Ayatollah, you are officially a twat.


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Podcast 2 - The Difficult Second Podcast …

• June 18th, 2009

Podcast 2 is finally here!

In which Chris and Ash analyse those bastions of common sense and reason - Bob Crow and the G8 protestors; those bastions of good taste and decency Paris Hilton and Madonna; and Nick Griffin, who we can all agree is a complete and utter bastion. In between the conspiracies of Big Pharma and The Corporations (as proposed by Ash’s hairdresser), we take an in-depth look at social networking sites and discuss what the hell a Zombie invitation is. We topically address news stories from last week, last month and up to 30 years ago and conclude with a joke about Phil Spector that takes even us slightly by surprise. You will also learn the incredible truth about just what street signage is actually capable of.
(Once again, I find myself having to apologise for the lateness of this podcast.  Technical issues once again hampered the uploading, but has all been resolved now)
Enjoy!
Agent Chris OUT
Listen Now:


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Lord of the Rings music stolen from Fry’s Turkish Delight

• June 17th, 2009

I have waited almost ten years to illustrate this.

I love the Lord of the Rings films and anyone who doesn’t love them also must have some kind of important gene missing that is related to having taste and a soul. I suspect it is the gene that Madonna, Johnny Vaughan and Piers Morgan are lacking. The Lord of the Rings films are, for anyone who is uncertain, better than the Star Wars films. And if you do not understand this you are simply wrong.

But I have noticed a strange thing about the ‘Fellowship theme’ from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It shares an amazing resemblance to another well loved piece of music: The theme tune from the Fry’s Turkish Delight adverts of the 1960’s-1980’s.

The Turkish Delight music:

The Fellowship theme (from the Bridge of Khazad-Dum):

Howard Shore - enough time has now elapsed. You can tell us. Is this a homage?


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