The Guardian has a delightful little rant entitled “The new offenders of stand up comedy” by Brian Logan, a man so desperate to appear up to date with comedy trends that is forced to completely invent these theoretical trends out of thin air. His stance is that there is some kind of backlash against the Politically Correct comedy of the late eighties and nineties which now allows comedians to be every bit as racist and offensive as the comedians of the seventies, and the audience (thats mister and missus racist thickie on the street i.e. you and me) are simply loving this new racism which he implies we are lapping up under cover of their ironic presentation.

The only slight problem with this piece is that Brian Logan is a fucking idiot. One of the comedians he chooses to misrepresent is Richard Herring, a “veteran comic” who was one half of Lee and Herring aka Fist of Fun in the early nineties. Richard Herring is currently preparing for a stand up tour entitled Hitler’s Moustache in which he sports a genuine example of the titular facial hair in order to investigate how such symbols are perceived and to analyse entrenched beliefs and whether such symbols can be reclaimed. But Brian Logan (clearly an irony black hole) chooses to quote from Herring’s entire show only the phrase “that racists have a point”.

Okay Brian lets play that game. Which comedians do you hold up as genuinely positive “offensive comedians?” He cites, amongst others, Bill Hicks, Ben Elton and Billy Connolly, describing them as ” against establishment opinion” coming from “what might broadly be described as left-libertarian perspective” railing against “religious orthodoxy, obscenity laws, militarism and racial inequality”. As a good Guardianista Brian logan must have just come while writing that.

But wait.. hang on… Bill Hicks? He was pro war. Didn’t he say of the first Iraq conflict “I’m Pro the war but anti- the troops. Not the most popular opinion I’ve ever had.” Bill Hicks was antifamily and kids. “Having a child is no different to eating food and a turd coming out of your anus.” Need more proof he was anti children? He tells a horrific story of wanting a child to be sucked out of an aircraft door. When discussing a story about a kid who killed himself jumping off a building while high on drugs he concludes “Good! One less gas station attendant in the world. I’m guessing we didn’t lose a cure for cancer there.” He is anti children, patronising to the poor and disadvantaged and encouraging drug fuelled suicide. Ben Elton? Anti the disabled. Don’t remember that? He creates a whole routine over a severe condition Margaret Thatcher had in which the tendons were drawing her fingers into a claw. Is it funny to laugh at the disfigurements of someone who was nearly a pensioner at the time? Famously he even thinks the whole of World War One was a badly run waste of time. Ben Elton clearly thinks we should have let the precursors to the rise of the Nazis continue unopposed. Is he secretly a fascist?

Brian Logan clearly thinks Jo Brand is a fine example of a healthy, non-ironic PC attitde , yet ignores all her routines reducing women to cake loving man-lusting alcoholics. Her quotes appear to be implying Jimmy Carr is doing nothing more than delivering all the women hating jokes everyone has been missing all these years. She is quoted as saying (she is impling this is theo pinion of the audience out there - that’s mister and missus sexist thickie on the street i.e. you and me) “Where have all those delicious anti-women jokes gone? We miss them.” is that really what you think Jo? Really? That’s actually genuinely what you were trying to say when Brian Logan interviewed you? That’s your genuine opinion about all of Jimmy Carr’s persona and routines?

And as for Billy Connolly, well he clearly wished a hostage victim to be murdered. No doubt he laughed heartily when Kenneth Bigley was beheaded. That was obviously and without any question exactly what he wanted, and wanted the audience to also think.

But wait, hang on, could it be possible that… none of these comedians actually literally felt that what they were saying should be taken at face value? Could it be possible that they were taking extreme positions in order to analyse our feelings towards such issues?

In their podcast when Richard Herring and Andrew Collins (no doubt according to Logan another ’suposedly’ left wing writer) discuss the likelihood that Madeleine McCann is dead, are they really wishing for the young girl’s death or enjoying her abduction for comedic value? Or could they possibly be… reflecting reality and the genuine thoughts that millions of intelligent adult have, but that the media is unable by convention to discuss. When every paper prints ‘updated’ pictures of Maddie  ‘as she looks now’, where is a single article saying “Of course she doesn’t look like that now! It’s utterly stupid and cruel to the parents to pretend that she might, and even if she did the one way guaranteed to ensure she doesn’t any longer is to print those photos!”

Are they mocking her or the insane, mawkish reaction of the media?

Podcasting has filled a required role in the media - a forum of expression of opinion by professionals (and amateurs) that would never be allowed in any other company controlled media outlet. You are no more allowed to break laws on a podcast than you are elsewhere, but you are allowed to voice  opinions that would be unheard of in a newspaper, but many people you know in real life actually hold. This is why more and more performers and broadcasters have a podcast outlet in addition to their more mainstream output, as a release valve for what they want to express without editorial control or censorship.

Brian Logan has the utter fucking unironic cheek to even bring up the Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand phone call to Andrew Sachs, a huge issue, let’s not forget, simply because a) the victim was famous b) the media actively created the furore themselves. Beadle was humilating people for years, even recent shows like Trigger Happy TV continue to mock innocent people in various degrees of unpleasantness. It’s pathetic comedy when done by anyone, but why does Brian Logan continue that single incident to be so noteworthy? Just because the media decided it should be? So this bold journalistic investigator of cutting edge trends… reports solely according to what his own media decides is important.

Some comedians do walk a very fine line between irony and celebration of unpleasant viewpoints. Al Murray, for example, appears to be slightly losing sight of where that line is and it would be entirely possible to watch an entire show of his and believe that he really was expressing far right viewpoints without irony. But almost every other comedian Brian Logan mentions is clearly expressing their viewpoints with an eye to mockery. Richard Herring in particular it would simply not be possible to sit through an entire show or podcast and come away genuinely believing his stand up to be racist. You just couldn’t’ genuinely do it.

The whole point of his Hitler Moustache show is to look at entrenched beliefs and to ask if such shocking symbols as the Hitler Moustache can be reclaimed and actually used against the concepts they are connected with. He asks if perhaps people can start sporting such a moustache as a protest against the worrying trend of the BNP rise. It’s a little hard to see how Brian Logan missed that as Herring discusses it in most podcasts and on his webste at length.

Now maybe we could ujst put this down to extremely poor research and breathtakingly low journalistic competence by Brian Logan… or could it be that he is simply reflecting what his editors want? Just as the BNP sees immigrants taking our jobs, and Polish crime everywhere they look, does the Guardian simply want to see racism everywhere it looks? Is it as guilty of pandering to its own entrenched beliefs as the far right groups it criticises?

In psychology this is known as confirmation bias - the tendency to interpret results or information according to personally held preconceptions and beliefs. The arrogance of this article is staggering, and how patronising it is to a mythical audience of racist, sexist homophobes (that’s what Brian Logan, and maybe by inference the Guardian thinks about you and me).

But ironically, has the Guardian article actually made Richard Herring’s point as clearly as any negative reaction from the BNP could have? Could his tour be becoming more culturally significant than he could have imagined as an equal analysis of the destructive preconceptions held by both the far right and the far left? Or any ideologically extreme position that becomes blinded by the arrogance of its own beliefs?

When you deliberately demonise the innocent by attributing false actions/opinions to them does it matter where you stand politically?

On the plus side for Richard Herring, as the old saying goes… If your pissing everybody off, maybe you’re doing something right.

I have a few questions regarding this gentleman …

A) Was it too much to ask to smile for the picture? … Or at least look mean and scary? … Did you really have to look as if your 8 years old in your head and you have just been told you have been very naughty and are not getting any jelly for pudding?

B) Did the copywriter have his tongue firmly in cheek when he wrote “A man accused of terror charges spoke to a girlfriend about launching an attack with tennis ball bombs, a court hears. ” … I can almost hear him chuckling …

C) This guy had a GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!?!?!

A puzzle indeed …

Agent Chris OUT!

Over the last few years, health concerns were visible, but as humanity tends to do, we put it all to the back of our mind, happy to delude ourselves.  We did not want to deal with the reality and mortality we see all around us.  we always looked for signs of the ‘Glory Days’ to return.

Accusations flied, a once glorious institution myered in slander and muck-raking.  We watched as the vampires circled, revelling in the double-dealings and innuendo.  We stared as the money began to run dry, the cracks in the facade grew deeper.  Constantly the image changed, modernised, but with every new face, we could see the slow shifting from the mainstream, to somewhere stranger and more disturbing.

We had glimpses of how it used to be.  for brief shining moments we revelled in the feeling that this bastion would once again return to show us the true talent and genius which stole our hearts the first time.

But … it was not to be.

June 25th is the day.

The day we all at some level dreaded, but knew it was inevitable.

June 25th is the day that … (I can hardly say it) … that … that the BBC stopped being a legitimate international news institution!

Over the last 12 hours, we have watched the BBC descend itself from a Reuters style seeker of truth, to the worst and most vapid level of tabloid journalism.

Some of the ‘highlights’ of the reporting of the death of Michael jackson have been:

The unmoving ‘Michael Jackson is Dead’ headline on the news ticker

The constant playing and replaying of Michael Jackson music videos, behind every interview, every personal piece.

Calling in a biographer of MADONNA to ask her regarding the effect of Michael Jackson in the mainstream (constantly qualified with the initial statement of ‘Well, I knw of course we are not talking about Madonna, but …)

The scrolling news ticker of not news, but ‘tweets’ from various celebrities announcing their shock and sadness.

Interviews at Glastonbury with third rate bands announcing their shock and sadness, and how they are going to tribute MJ in their sets.

Interminable helicopter wide shots around the UCLA Medical centre

An interview with a Michael jackson fan in the studio, 10 minutes of prime rolling news time given over to how he met his hero once

The statement from Jermaine jackson, finishing with a plea for the press to ‘respect the family’s privacy’ … immediately followed by a shot of Michael Jackson’s body being wheeled into the coroner’s office

Lurid shots of the ambulance reversing out of Michael Jackson’s home, unable to reverse due to all the press filming it in it’s way

Uri Gellar … just being Uri Gellar.  blaming the media for pushing Michael to the brink, while reclining on his living room sofa having invited those very cameras into HIS HOME!

Going ‘live via satellite’ to places such as SINGAPORE to guage reaction around the world.

The constant references and comparison to ‘the grief after the death of Diana’

But, the most devastating of all …

The complete ignoring of all other news around the world!

In fact, they read out various e-mails from viewers asking that there at least been some balance in the reporting, but them staring straight down the barrel of the camera, and basically telling the audience that they understand there is other shit going on in the world, but they just didnt care as this story trumped everything else going on in the world right now.

That, in itself, shows just how far the BBC has fallen.  the constant celebrity Interviews (Estelle, Craig David … what???) the constant Diana comparison, hours after hours of MJ music videos, speculation and tittle tattle.  The BBC has lost all credibility, and any sense of proportion.

Oh, by the way, in Iran the Ayatollah has declared the recent election result legitimate.  Not only that, but also has declared the result ‘the healthiest election result in decades’.  Apparently, as has been stated, there was no MAJOR election corruption.  Hold on, no ‘Major’ election corruption … so there was minor corruption but thats okay?

I would say that’s a story.

Not that you’d know watching the BBC …

Let the conspiracy theories begin. I can assure you over the next couple of days/months you will read/hear the most inane, insane and moronic theories about the death of the King of Pop.

Let me make some up right now so you can be warned. Here are some theories that will probaby be among the mildest of what is to come:

1) Michael Jackson died years ago. Hence he looks so different and hasn’t written a good song in years.

2) Michael Jackson has faked his own death so he can live in the Philippines. With some boys.

3) Michael Jackson had too much debt and has got his closest aides to kill him for insurance money.

There you go. Three random theories I just made up. Expect to read much crazier shit over the next few days.

And brace yourself for beyond Princess Diana levels of mawkish grief from mental people. And many interviews from Uri Geller. Already I am watching a statement from the Rev Al Shapton eulogising Michael Jackson. He vaguely referred to the singer as maybe having ’shortcomings’. Maybe that would be the multiple child abuse charges or the baby dangling or, hell who knows. Who cares when it looks like a Jade Goody x1000 mythologising is in progress.

The biggest circus in Pop histry is preparing itself for a suitable denoument.

Anyone remember that revolution in Iran… ?

I pause the podcast as she turns to me. The following exchange occurs.

She shows me a badge. I am not joking, this badge looked like a toy. It just said “Revenue Protection Officer”. That’s it.  Nothing else. No logo, nothing. It was in a cheap plastic wallet of the sort you get in toy packs in Poundland where you flip open a bit of floppy black plastic and it has a badge that says FBI in. The text was in what I can only describe as, a girly font and colour. It was pink and purple and I would not have been surprised if had said “Special Agent for Barbie”. My first thought (for some unknown reason) is that this was a Hen Night prank of some sort.

Now this may seem slightly confrontational of me, but I blame A) The fact I was still wearing my headphones and I couldn’t yet hear the sniggering of other passengers B) Richard Herring’s confrontational comedy style that I had just been listening to C) The angry look on her face that conveyed utter incredulity that a member of the public could be confronted with a rubbish badge with no logo and meaningless text by a complete stranger dressed like any other member of the public… and have the downright impudence to actually doubt such ironclad credentials

Her face becomes a mask of rage. She unfolds the cheap plastic wallet again and shows me a First Capital Connect identity card with photo and everything. Good. Fine. Then why the hell didn’t she just show that in the first place? I show her my ticket, and I have a sneaking suspicion she is also going to insist on seeing my Network Railcard as well. I am correct as she immediately barks an order to see it even as my hand is already clearly rummaging in my jacket pocket obviously to provide it. At that point I have little doubt she was praying to several different types of gods for me to not have a valid ticket and/or Network Card. Sadly for her I am bang up to date ticket and card wise.

She strides off and, two seats down, she encounters some girls who do not have tickets. Poor them. They appeared to get the full brunt of the anger she was unable to direct at me. I have now taken my headphones off and notice almost evryone in my section is nodding at me and laughing, some clearly loud enough for Random Woman With Badge to hear. She directs further wrath at the poor girls. Boy did they pick the wrong day to fail to buy tickets (although lets remember they are technically criminals so we should be sparing with the sympathy). The other passengers agreed they had been suspicious about the badge and thought the whole thing was weird. Only one guy was aware that in the Croydon area they did sometimes use Plain Clothes Inspectors (although I have travelled that route twice a day for three years and never encountered one).

I actually tried to hunt down an image of the badge on the internet. I cannot find a single example of it. This makes it even more stupid as there is apparently no way I could verify the appearance of such a badge or know how to identify one, even if I wanted to.

What the hell is a “Revenue Protection Officer” anyway?

I have little doubt the name was intended to make the job sound more exciting than simple “Ticket Inspector” and somehow empower the staff, but this is clearly counter-productive because if the badge had simply said “Ticket Inspector” I wouldn’t have questioned her in the first place as I actually understand what a “Ticket Inspector” is.

I can just imagine the converstaion at Head Office.

A joyous rambing whereby the week’s news is merely a waffle-like vehicle for the golden syrup of some random thoughts.

Chris and Ash discuss the political turmoil in Iran, slicing through the complexities of middle eastern politics and distilling decades of Islamo-Western exchanges by declaring the Ayatollah one of their Dickheads of the Week. Such trifles are interspersed with analysis of what Big Brother contestants understand about religion, whether the MP expenses story is losing steam, how might Nick Griffin be expected to ’salute’, and discussing what exactly are the chances of accidentally having ink injected into the subcutaneous skin layers of your face in a star pattern fifty-six separate times…. while you fall gently asleep. Ash’s love-hate relationship with Twitter continues as does Chris’ hate-hate relationship with reality TV shows. Ash and Chris remain topical as ever discussing Kramer from Seinfeld, both films from 1997 directed by people called Paul Anderson, and Henry VIII.

As a bonus feature, if you ever end up un trouble because you have been caught by your partner watching internet sex videos of women smearing food over themselves… there is an unexpected way out of the problem. Edward de Bono would have been proud of it.

Enjoy!

Agent Chris OUT!

Hmmm … [Tetris Sound]

Britain may not be up there with speed texting but when it comes to “evil”… Yay we’re number one!

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei expresses new nutty opinions.

The article words it thus:

He said the election was a “political earthquake” for Iran’s enemies - singling out Britain as “the most evil of them” - whom he accused of trying to foment unrest in the country.

But I personally suspect the Ayatollah wouldn’t understand the word ‘Foment’ in either his own language or English, even if it were explained to him for 23 straight weeks by the world’s leading linguists. Why? Because he is a twat. I suspect his comment was more along the lines of “Everyone in the world, shutup, shutup, shutup!”

He protested in the following bizarre way:

“There is 11 million votes difference,” the ayatollah said. “How can one rig 11 million votes?”

Er, by FUCKING CHEATING! One vote… 11 million votes… if you control the voting system and result announcements then any degree of lying is perfectly easy. Your mistake? To lie TOO BIG.

And of course it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to count all the vote in the speed claimed, so the cheating is logically inherent.

Anyone on Twitter is welcome to add their opinion by adding the text #AyatollahYouAmATwat to your Twitter post. It may not alter world politics but it helps remind us all that we live in a country that you are still allowed to express dissent without being silenced, and we don’t much like countries that quash such freedoms.

Iran’s supreme leader has issued a stern warning that protests against the country’s disputed presidential election results must end.

Maybe in your country pal, not in ours. Ayatollah, you are officially a twat.

I love the Lord of the Rings films and anyone who doesn’t love them also must have some kind of important gene missing that is related to having taste and a soul. I suspect it is the gene that Madonna, Johnny Vaughan and Piers Morgan are lacking. The Lord of the Rings films are, for anyone who is uncertain, better than the Star Wars films. And if you do not understand this you are simply wrong.

But I have noticed a strange thing about the ‘Fellowship theme’ from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It shares an amazing resemblance to another well loved piece of music: The theme tune from the Fry’s Turkish Delight adverts of the 1960’s-1980’s.

The Turkish Delight music:

The Fellowship theme (from the Bridge of Khazad-Dum):

Howard Shore - enough time has now elapsed. You can tell us. Is this a homage?

In podcast number 2 I name and shame a particular Twitterer who is guilty of the second most heinous Twitter crime - Celebrity Friend Desperation. It’s one thing to be interested in what celebtities are doing, visiting their blogs and websites and such like. Someone may even have the occasional actual question for a celebrity and these days, more than ever, you can possibly get actual, instant replies directly from the celebrity, without delay, without filtering and without having to go through their manager or agency.

This is in some ways very nice.

But the Celebrity Friend Desperand (as I have decided to name them without even the tiniest bit of research to see if they already have some group terminology) bombards ALL available celebrities ALL of the time, just hoping that one of them may reply and just for a brief intance they might be bathed in the acepting glow of a celebrity’s attention and for that brief instance THEY WILL EXIST! The Hallelujah chorus will play in their head and their bodies will shake and glow with ecstasy as Davina McCall takes 18 seconds to type “Yes I like mashed potatoes too” and then add YOUR NAME with an @ symbol! She is TALKING TO YOU as though you were special and a celebrity like her! In the CFDs head they are practically on Parkinson, exchanging witty banter with Stephen Fry, observational comedy with Jason Mumford and hotel room numbers with Demi Moore.

It would be a kindness to take the phones from these people and smash them to bits on their head.

Of course Twitter Heinous Crime number 1 is Marketing via Twitter. Yes people actually do this. I supose it is inevitable but, Jesus Christ, what a fucking rubbish method of marketing.

For example: I have 5 followers on Twitter (one of which is Big Brother - that’s right Big Brother is following me! I assume this is a mistake somehow).

Of those 5 followers one is a gentleman who calls himself SalesDNA. Here are some examples of his ‘Tweets’ (i.e. the short text messages someone on Twitter leaves to let you know what they are doing):

Getting the appointment | Cold Calling MasterClass http://bit.ly/qhNyl

Accelerating Sales Growth: ‘The 2nd Bounce of the Ball’ - Tips … http://bit.ly/fwfkH

Power of Leadership Radio: Sales & Social Networking-Insider Tips! http://bit.ly/HTEDb

Why? Why are you doing this? Are you mentally ill? He freely alows us to know his real name - Peter O Donoghue - so he clearly isn’t embarassed at everyone knowing he is a twat. His Twitter bio describes him as “A sales ‘Geek’, sales trainer, consultant, blogger + author. ” (Yeah, sure, everyone on the internet is an ‘author’ these days). He clearly believes himself to be at the cutting edge of social network marketing, yet all he has engendered from me is a sense of pity and mocking. Pete, little tip, that’s not great sales. He has a website, so if your life is too filled with joy an happiness you may want to go and visit it and learn about the many depressing methods by which you can part other people from their money to a greater extent than they would like you to.

Oh and I had another marketing Twitterer following me who was called ‘Poop’ (aka pooping8267) and who had helpful moneymaking offers such as:

Great!$2262/Week Go http://bit.ly/dypp1h

Which certainly sounded tempting. I might have clicked on the link, except that as a personal rule I don’t take career or financial advice from anyone named after excrement.

Sadly those few examples may represent the future and ultimate downfall of Twitter - it will end up, filled with marketeers and marketing bots who only exist to follow other marketing bots and eventually it simly ends up as meaningless, pointless mess of incoherent text…

No I am not going to finish with the obvious easy joke… at the moment part of me still likes Twitter. A bit. Especially when Richard Herring or Andrew Collins reply to me.

ETA: Since the above post in which I had a go at SalesDNA, he has Tweeted to suggest I unfollow him as clearly his stuff wasn’t for me, which is true. I pointed out that actually he was following me so it was really for him to unfollow me. Then weirdly since that little exchange I now suddenly have 10 Twitter followers, and all the new ones seem to… also be marketing people. This is just strange. I’m wondering whether there isn’t actually some form of software glitch going on, or whether the quickest way to get Marketeers to follow you is simply to criticise one of them. Maybe they don’t like each other and enjoy watching others of their number be criticised.

In which Chris and Ash introduce the podcast, deal with Skype time delay and discuss the burning issues of the day. As well as the ubiquitous total implosion of UK politics they muse upon such varied and random topics as autoerotic asphyxiation, Katie Price and Peter Andre, how to hire a lie-detector, bad leaflet- proofing by the BNP, what Danielle Lloyd’s ex-headmaster thinks of her and of course the loathsomeness of Johnny Vaughan. And at least one thing you never want to catch your Dad doing…

(We apologise for the lateness of this podcast … due to work busyness, technical issues, and a compelling need to listen to Dark Side of the Moon) Enjoy!

Tha is the headline of a BBC news story.

I ask you this - what would you take or imply from such a headline?

Maybe, if you were hopelessly naive and stupid, you might think that the POLICE were having some difficulty in interviewing a POTENTIAL SUSPECT in the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. But why? Why would you be so stupid to draw such a conclusion you judgemental moron? Admitedly I made the same mistake, but I was clearly equally moronic.

Lets look at the actual story.

Last-ditch efforts to interview a convicted British paedophile now living in Germany about the disappearance of Madeleine McCann have failed.

Raymond Hewlett is said to have been staying an hour’s drive from the McCann’s Portuguese holiday flat when Madeleine vanished.

 Those are the first two paragraphs fom the story. Pretty much confirm what you suspected from the headline don’t they?

Private detectives hoped to speak with him, but negotiations with his lawyer failed, the McCann’s spokesman said.

Hang on a minute. “Private detectives” have been refused contact by a lawyer? Who are these private detectives?

Retired UK policemen Dave Edgar and Arthur Cowley have been employed by Madeleine’s parents Kate and Gerry McCann to look for their daughter.

Ah, would these be the ones who have to keep creating ‘new leads’ or else they stop getting paid? The ones who encouraged the ludicrous paedophile caricature ‘witnessed’ that even the tabloids struggled to believe in? The ones who encouraged the computer-generated aged’ image of Madeleine that a) makes a ridiculous number of assumptions and b) assumes that if somebody is still holding Madeleine captive they wouldn’t have any desire to alter her apearance after that photo was released.

But Mr Edgar said he was “very disappointed” with Mr Hewlett’s lawyer’s behaviour.

He said: “I have been attempting to speak with Raymond Hewlett to eliminate him from our investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

 

“He is not a suspect but I was keen to interview him because of his failing health.

Hang on… He is “not a suspect“??? Well fuck me, I certainly wouldn’t have thought that from the headline. I might have been a complete idiot and thought that he actually… WAS a suspect.

Now this isn’t to defend Mr Hewlett who is, clearly, a convicted paedophile. And if he were actually a suspect then he obviously needs to be fully investigated by all police forces involved.

But if he isn’t actually a suspect then why are the investigators - who are, let’s not forget, no more legally allowed to question people about crimes than you or I are - concentrating on him?

Is it that… they have run out of leads but would like to continue being paid please from Mr and Mrs McCann’s fund?

I detest ‘psychics’ who play on grieving families pain and obtain money at a terrible time simply by saying what the family wants to hear without actually having any real information.

In the absence of any actual evidence to the contrary that is EXACTLY how I feel about Dave Edgar and Arthur Cowley. In my opinion they have ZERO new information on the crime, but wish to continue getting paid so they use any emotionally charged individual or subject as a ‘potential new lead’ or even better to ‘eliminate people from their investigation’. What tabloid would dare question the legitimacy of an investigation (private or otherwise) of a CONVICTED PAEDOPHILE? Look at how they managed to demonise the entirely blameless Robert Murat.

If they have credible evidence against Mr Hewlett then pass it to the police. Publish it. Do anything to expose it. If he commited this terrible crime then let’s use our full weight to prosecute him.

But if he didn’t, and these private investigators don’t genuinely believe he did, and they are simply using the opportunity to continue getting paid when they have no leads…

Maybe they had better hope nobody ever starts looking at them when they need a scapegoat of some sort.

I cannot word it better than he did:

Wikipedia Overkill

Fun fact: The wiki article discussing “parley” is 107 words long.

The section discussing whether or not Skeletor’s head is attached to his body is 830 words long.

I love Wikipedia.

Times Online - 9th June 2009

David Blunkett charged by herd of cows

David Blunkett, the former Home Secretary, suffered a broken rib when he was hit by a stampeding cow.

The blind Labour MP had been out walking with his guide dog, Sadie, on his 62nd birthday in Derbyshire’s Peak District on Saturday.

He said yesterday that it was a “miracle” that he was not killed when the herd of cows charged at him, his dog and his son, Andrew, 26.

“I let go of Sadie and she shot off. But the next thing I knew I’d stumbled to the ground and the animal fell over too.

“She hit my side and broke my rib. Had her full weight of around a ton hit me I’d have been a goner,” he told The Sun.

I know it is a serious situation … cows are heavy, and can be a fair bit stroppy when annoyed.  But of all the MP Expenses fallout, this has to be the most entertaining.  But David himself says it far better than I …

“I know the public are furious with politicians but I didn’t realise the anger had spread to Britain’s cow population.”

*chortle* Don’t piss off the heffers man … little known by the human population, but cows have been training in secret with Jackie Chan … I have the video evidence for those who don’t believe …

Be Afraid … Be VERY Afraid! Agent Chris OUT!

For example on this page about European politics  ‘V Sandy’ has the following interesting opinion:

YES - UKIP are saying what the majority of the people want to hear - A party putting the U.K. first.

I didn’t vote for them because I didn’t think they would be so popular, I will vote for them from now on.

That’s certainly an unusual view towards politics. You may feel a certain party exactly represents the ideals and political stance you yourself hold and has policies you feel are sensible, sustainable and sound. But you just won’t vote for them if you don’t think they will be popular.

I wonder how V Sandy watches television? Does he phone all his friends to see if they will be watching his favourite programme that evening? If they aren’t, what would be the point of him watching it?

No that’s silly.

I’m sure V Sandy has very few friend-related problems.

Do they really think that if they vote for the BNP then all immigrants will instantly be kicked out of the country and loads of lovely, cushy, high-paying, low effort jobs (that immigrants are famed for stealing) will suddenly become available to ‘the man on the street’? Is this the ‘common sense’ that the BNP are so fond of referring to?

And how far exactly do the BNP’s policies extend? After we have closed our borders how will the BNP deal with, for example, offshoring? Will they just ignore that (which would make kind of a mockery of their anti-immigrants and pro-jobs for good old Englishmen stance). All a company needs for that is phone lines and the internet, and to be honest, this probably threatens far more jobs than the much demonised immigrants.

Hmm, demonising minority groups in times of economic downturn… where have we heard that before? Oh yes the Na… no I won’t mention them. Because after all the BNP is NOT RACIST. And they have proven that if you keep shouting a lie long enough some morons will start to believe it.

Actually maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe the people who voted for the BNP are themselves entirely racist and completely happy with that. We sort of assume that anyone who voted for the BNP is a moron, or somehow made a mistake or was bamboozled, but maybe they really just do want to live in an entirely insular country with the logically resultant spiralling taxes, rising unemployment, crashing economy and terrified national psyche. I would just like to be able to sit down with anyone who voted BNP and say “Look, these are what their policies actually are, okay? This is what they actually want to do with the country.” If, after that they still vote for the BNP well, at least we know they didn’t mistake them for some form of magical job-creation party.

This is the problem with democracy. Everyone gets a vote, even people who should by rights be too stupid to be allowed one. But the beauty of the system is that we allow the people we disagree with to have that voice, to have that vote. Even is that freedom allows them to express the wish to curtail the freedoms of others.

And the UKIP… Jesus Christ, don’t even get me started. I am convinced most people voting for them think that this will mean we somehow become completely separate from Europe. “We’re an island. we’re different, we’re independent!” NO WE AREN’T YOU DICKS! We can’t be. We are inextricably linked with Europe whether you like it or not. They aren’t going to ban our pints of beer. They aren’t going to force you to buy nasty foreign food. They aren’t going to make you speak any more than your God-given right to a single language (and your right to struggle with even that). They aren’t going to force you to urinate on a Union Jack which is on fire because they drenched it in garlic brandy and set it alight.

It’s all about economics and in case you hadn’t noticed we aren’t doing too great at the moment. And, guess what, that was because of the mortgage market in America! Yes America. Not demon-filled Brussels. So how will voting against Europe help with that?

As a brief little ray of light we must remember that the BNP actually did poll fewer results than in 2004 and it’s pretty much the fallout of the MP expenses debacle that has spread the votes so thin they were able to win 2 seats. So in a way the Telegraph has directly created 2 BNP seats in Europe.

And we must remember that it’s only the European Elections so it’s just a bit of fun. We are fine to distance ourselves from Europe. We are independent, we are separate.

After all, I can’t think of anything that ever happened in Europe that affected us in good old Blighty…

For those of you that do (somehow, I doubt i will have to count the amount on more than one hand) here’s a little something from the BBC website that will warm you from the inside out …

Yes indeed … this is true … Nora, the piano playing cat. Having trained heavily since the age of one, this cat has shocked the music world by pounding the keys randomly.

A shocked UN is preparing a statement on what this means to the Middle-East peace process …

Ohhh, but it gets better. Nora’s manager owner, Mindaugas Piecaitis, has decided that Nora’s solo piano playing should be set to a full chamber orchestra, as great talent such as this should have full orchestral backup … check out the BBC story here (excuse the bad sound here … the person who captured this for YT didn’t do it in the most sensible way …)

Yes indeed … this is also true. A man has decided to capture the random pawing of a piano from a feline and give it a full chamber orchestra accompaniment. A man, supposedly with the intelligence needed to purchase a house and use cutlery spent a good chunk of his life writing an accompaniment …. for … a … CAT!

The story headline on the BBC (find it here) is ‘Piano-playing cat takes centre stage’

The more sensible title would be of course ‘Middle-aged man wastes his time’

Blows my mind …

But … on the plus side … at least it isn’t Mylene Klass!

Agent Chris OUT

P.S. … Nearly off the point, but appropro of nothing, here is an image which will serve as a servicable ‘in-joke’ between the Agents here … regarding the ‘Action Spectacular’ Starship Troopers …

Yes it is Doogie … Yes it is …

(Reality TV … Lolcats … the evidence is really piling up here …)

Would have started a bit earlier but I can’t read the papers until I have watched my pre-recorded (is ‘pre-recorded’ a tautology? How can anything not be ‘pre’-recorded?) episode of last week’s Apprentice. It is of course the best show on TV and it was the always-superb interview penultimate episode. (It may sound like I am reading the papers during the podcast but that would be entirely incorrect and very unprofessional and probably to do with sound compression or something technical.)

Kate (blonde Stepford-Wife) looked horrified at being accused of being ‘boring’. This was clearly the worst insult imaginable for her. Lorraine talked (yet again) about her ’special gift’ which, after some probing by the interviewer, she revealed to be an amazing ability to ’spot things’. Which made me laugh as it implied nothing more than a talent for Where’s Wally. The interviewer suggested she might perhaps be referring to the term ‘intuition’ which Lorraine agreed was the word she was looking for and had failed to find. Intuition my ass.

James sweated about fourteen gallons throughout the procedure and Deborah appeared, as usual, as though she was about to turn into a Gerald Scarfe charicature of a vampire. Yasmina was unusally thrown when the interviewer pulled out her businesses financial records which she seemed to think were not publicly available.

Eventually James, Lorraine and Deborah were fired leaving Yasmina and Kate to battle it out in the final tomorrow night.

I love the Apprentice. Yasmina to win please Mister Sir Sugar. (Chris will be horrified I am already using the blog to write about reality TV.)

Too many people opining on every tiny little thing imaginable as though their miniscule opinion were worth more than the weight of a single electron.

But maybe you fall behind these days if you don’t have one. Maybe, as Doctor Grant so wisely said in Jurassic Park, “We’re all running just to keep up.” (But then he got tricked into being involved in Jurassic Park 3 by a bounced cheque so maybe we should take his opinion with a pinch of salt.)

If Amanda Holden is actually allowed on television to give her opinion on the talent of others, and we live in a world where Piers Morgan is legally permitted to comment on the ‘likeability factor’ of other human beings without even the tiniest shred of irony, then dammit my voice shall be heard.

Chris has eloquently laid out our remit - to comment on all the news and reviews and anything else that we feel like. I can talk at length, for example, about TUPE regulation in employment law and PowerPoint for longer than your interest can take. See? I did it just there.

And occasionally, when I can squeeze it in, my personal aim is to remind everyone what a worthless, unentertaining, unfunny fleck of fly-blown slug residue Johnny Vaughan is. Look in his eyes. He knows he’s not funny anymore. He knows it. And he knows we know it. He knows his time in the spotlight is up and can only live in daiy fear of the inevitable ending of his ‘career’. Tick tock Johnny, tick tock…

(When Google offers 79,100 results for “Johnny Vaughan hair” you know the world needs a reality check)