What is a “Revenue Protection Officer”?
So there I am, on the train, minding my own business, listening to the Collings and Herrin podcast, when a woman comes stridently into the carriage. She is middle-aged, dressed perfectly casually with a patterned T-Shirt, yet it seems that everyone has started showing her their tickets.
I pause the podcast as she turns to me. The following exchange occurs.
Random Woman: Can I see your ticket? Me: Er, who are you?She shows me a badge. I am not joking, this badge looked like a toy. It just said “Revenue Protection Officer”. That’s it. Nothing else. No logo, nothing. It was in a cheap plastic wallet of the sort you get in toy packs in Poundland where you flip open a bit of floppy black plastic and it has a badge that says FBI in. The text was in what I can only describe as, a girly font and colour. It was pink and purple and I would not have been surprised if had said “Special Agent for Barbie”. My first thought (for some unknown reason) is that this was a Hen Night prank of some sort.
Me: What’s that? RW: My badge (I shrug, confused) Me: I have no idea what that is RW: I’m a ticket inspector Me: I don’t believe youNow this may seem slightly confrontational of me, but I blame A) The fact I was still wearing my headphones and I couldn’t yet hear the sniggering of other passengers B) Richard Herring’s confrontational comedy style that I had just been listening to C) The angry look on her face that conveyed utter incredulity that a member of the public could be confronted with a rubbish badge with no logo and meaningless text by a complete stranger dressed like any other member of the public… and have the downright impudence to actually doubt such ironclad credentials
Her face becomes a mask of rage. She unfolds the cheap plastic wallet again and shows me a First Capital Connect identity card with photo and everything. Good. Fine. Then why the hell didn’t she just show that in the first place? I show her my ticket, and I have a sneaking suspicion she is also going to insist on seeing my Network Railcard as well. I am correct as she immediately barks an order to see it even as my hand is already clearly rummaging in my jacket pocket obviously to provide it. At that point I have little doubt she was praying to several different types of gods for me to not have a valid ticket and/or Network Card. Sadly for her I am bang up to date ticket and card wise.
She strides off and, two seats down, she encounters some girls who do not have tickets. Poor them. They appeared to get the full brunt of the anger she was unable to direct at me. I have now taken my headphones off and notice almost evryone in my section is nodding at me and laughing, some clearly loud enough for Random Woman With Badge to hear. She directs further wrath at the poor girls. Boy did they pick the wrong day to fail to buy tickets (although lets remember they are technically criminals so we should be sparing with the sympathy). The other passengers agreed they had been suspicious about the badge and thought the whole thing was weird. Only one guy was aware that in the Croydon area they did sometimes use Plain Clothes Inspectors (although I have travelled that route twice a day for three years and never encountered one).
I actually tried to hunt down an image of the badge on the internet. I cannot find a single example of it. This makes it even more stupid as there is apparently no way I could verify the appearance of such a badge or know how to identify one, even if I wanted to.
What the hell is a “Revenue Protection Officer” anyway?
I have little doubt the name was intended to make the job sound more exciting than simple “Ticket Inspector” and somehow empower the staff, but this is clearly counter-productive because if the badge had simply said “Ticket Inspector” I wouldn’t have questioned her in the first place as I actually understand what a “Ticket Inspector” is.
I can just imagine the converstaion at Head Office.
“Our Ticket Inspection staff aren’t happy.” “Well geez Tom, why not?” “They say we don’t pay them enough and they get abuse from customers and have to work antisocial hours.” “Sounds bad. I’d hate that job.” ”But I don’t think that’s the problem.” “You don’t?” “No. I know exactly what we need to do to cheer them up.” “What?” ”We need to… empower them.” “Wow. Sounds great. What’s that then?” ”It’s an American thing. You see, the problem people have with their jobs isn’t all the stuff they actually complain about like poor working conditions, salary, bad management and so on, it’s actually their sense of self-worth.” “Hmm interesting. So instead of actually paying them more, all we need to actually do is…” “That’s right. Just make them feel better about themselves in some meaningless, trivial and above all cost-free way.” ”Brilliant. But that sounds difficult?” “Oddly enough it really isn’t. It has been found that a simple job title change will have exactly the same boost to morale as a pay rise.” “Wow. Who discovered that?” ”I dunno. Some consultants somewhere.” “Cool. So it’s definitely scientifically proven effective?” ”Oh definitely. I read it in Marketing Monthly.” ”But how does one generate such a powerful self-esteem modifying job title?” ”Well what do these staff do?” ”They inspect tickets. That’s why we call them Ticket Inspectors. We thought it made sense.” ”No, no, no. That just demeans them. it makes it sound like all they do is look at tickets.” ”Well that’s what they actually-” “They need to feel part of the whole. Not just a cog, but a vital machine in the vibrant factory that is First Capital Connect.” “But they just inspect tic-” “No, no, no John. You aren’t thinking of the bigger picture. What does every ticket dodger cost us?” “Er money?” “Exactly. Ticket Inspectors aren’t there just to look at tickets they are there to save us money.” “I see, so they aren’t just mindless peons, they are heroic saviours, selflessly tiring away to earn the directors of First Capital Connect more money?” “Well lets play down where the money they save actually goes. They might think it should go to them in some way which, as we and the consultants agree, is not really what they want.” ”Hell no.” ”So what about ‘Money Recovery Agents’?” “No, wait, I think I’ve got a better one. Hear me out Tom.” “Shoot.” “‘Revenue’ sounds more business-ey and the little guys love to pretend they understand business at the higher levels.” ”They sure do.” (Both laugh) “And instead of recovering the revenue it sound more exciting and dangerous if they are… ‘protecting’ it.” “This is great John, you’re really running with this.” “Now who traditionally protects things?” “Bodyguards? The Army? Police off- damn John you goddamn genius!” “What you got there Tom is a nail/head scenario. Police Officers. So put it all together, what have you got?” “‘Revenue Protection Officers’. Damn that’s awesome!” “Hey you lobbed the idea up, I just vollied that softball home.” “And to confirm, it’ll cost absolutely nothing?” ”Well we’ll probably need to give them some badges but, hell, they can make do with some cheap plastic kids ones. What are we, a charity?”
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